Individuation With Psychologist And Executive Coach Anthony Metten Destiny Awakening Interviews 26

Jun 23, 2021


Why you've got to check out today's episode:

  • Discover how to connect yourself and your teams with their purpose and zone of genius...
  • Learn to shift your perspective and deal with complex challenges...
  • Find a new level of awareness in receiving and giving insights....


Check out Anthony’s Website:

Anthony's gift:






Are you frustrated with your current achievement, status and goals in life?

Discover the power of distinguishing yourself from the rest and capitalizing on your gifts and talents to realize your true potential...

Today's guest, Anthony Metten is an ICF, professionally certified coach, keynote and TEDx speaker and trainer.

After 20+ years in banking and in Silcon Valley, Anthony founded his consulting and training company to help his clients with things like business turnaround and growth, strategic planning, leadership and performance development.

In today's episode, Anthony unpacks the topic "Individuation: What if who you are, isn't really who you are?"

Check out these episode highlights:

  • 02:18– Anthony’s ideal client: “Is somebody who is open to possibilities. They have something they want to accomplish in their career, or the personal life where we connect.…”
  • 04:15 – His client's biggest challenge: “They come to realize they have spent their entire life being who somebody else wanted them to be....”
  • 05:59– Anthony’s #1 insight to help you: "I would grab the three ending questions that I have in my TED Talk. If you answer those three questions, I think you may be amazed at what you uncover...."
  • 07:35– What concept, book, program, or talk impacted you the most: "I hired my own executive coach before it was a thing. And we discovered that the reason I wasn't getting my promotion had nothing to do with my job performance..."
  • 09:49– Anthony’s valuable free resource: "What I offer is a 30 minute phone call, zoom call to just talk and see what comes out of it.
  • 10:39 – Anthony’s last thoughts: "Individuation, no matter your family and your upbringing, your body's gonna change your outlook on life. It's something that occurs in all of our lives, potentially multiple times..."


(Note, this was transcribed using a transcription software and may not reflect the exact words used in the podcast)

 Narrator  0:00  
Welcome to the Destiny Awakening Interviews, a podcast with Andrew Wayfinder and his guests, bringing you powerful insights, inspiration and ways to break free, live life your way and make a difference in our changing and challenging world.

Andrew Hryniewicz  0:17  
So hello, everyone and a very warm welcome to another edition of the Destiny Awakening Interviews.

I'm Andrew Wayfinder Hryniewicz and I'm joined today by Anthony Metten, performance coach, leadership consultant, author, TEDx and keynote speaker.

And a very warm welcome to you, Anthony. And where are you hanging out today?

Anthony Metten  0:36  
Thank you so much, Andrew. I am actually in San Jose, California. So Silicon Valley, as they call it, is known around the world, I guess.

Andrew Hryniewicz  0:44  
Okay, great. Yeah, we were talking a little bit about I used to live out there, but it's been quite a while.

So, well on to the subject of your work and your experience. So Anthony Metten is the founder of, an ICF, professionally certified coach, keynote and TEDx speaker and trainer.

And, after a 20 year career in banking, where he rose to executive VP positions in companies like Citibank and First Republic bank, Anthony reinvented himself by going back to school to get a master's degree in counseling psychology and career development.

And then, in 2007, he founded his consulting and training company, helping his clients with things like business turnaround and growth, strategic planning, leadership and performance development.

And his clients have included Adobe, Facebook, Gap, Apple, JPMorgan, PayPal, Cisco, the City of San Jose, Johns Hopkins, and Georgetown University, and many more.

So thank you, Anthony, for your time today. And your topic is "Individuation: What if who you are, isn't really who you are?". And this was actually the topic of his TEDx talk.

So Anthony is going to unpack that idea in six questions. So...

Anthony Metten  2:04  
I will certainly try.

Andrew Hryniewicz  2:05  
Yeah, well, that's, you know, this is the espresso shot format.

So, the first question is; Who is your ideal client? And what's the transformation your work helps them achieve?

Anthony Metten  2:18  
I would say my ideal client is somebody who is open to possibilities. What usually happens is I get a business client who, you know, has a hurdle at work.

They're trying to get past... have something they want to accomplish in their career, or the personal life where we connect. That's the topic offered.

And, after a session or two of building some trust and vulnerability, the client blossoms. And some of their inner thoughts and concerns around, possibly what they originally connected with me for, comes to light.

And then we start unpacking that, and it's a beautiful moment...

Because it's almost like, it's the first time as an adult, they've been somewhere where they can be themselves, talk about what's on their mind, without worrying about being judged, or if the topic is valid.

And, we just start sifting through this... and there's a trust, and an awareness that comes to light.

And again, you know, I don't have the answers. They're looking for the answers.

And together, we're kind of digging through the suitcase "Hey, look at this," and "Hey, what about this?"

And it just... again, it's funny, because the way... when you ask the question, it's just a beautiful moment, as I work with this client, and the impact to really kind of understand their life in a deeper way.

Andrew Hryniewicz  4:03  
So number two question. What's the biggest challenge they're facing? Is there a characteristic, you know, pain point or thing that triggers them coming to see you?

Anthony Metten  4:15  
Yeah, I would say, unbeknownst to them, they come to realize they have spent their entire life being who somebody else wanted them to be.

Whether it be their parents, their siblings, their spouse, their employer, their kids... You know, as I like to say, in life, we tend to become who we believe, others believe we're supposed to be.

It's not that they believe it. It's not that we believe it. But we believe that they believe that this is the way we're supposed to be. And so that's the way we behave.

And so, the awakening is they start to realize that "You know what, I actually have a choice." This person I'd become isn't somebody I've chosen to become. It's me behaving the way I felt I was expected to behave.

And all of a sudden, they realize "I have a choice". And then they start to decide.

Andrew Hryniewicz  5:13  
When actually, that reminds me that, you know, the number one regret people have in hospice, you know, when they are reflecting on their life, which has suddenly been cut short, is that "I never really did what I wanted to do with my life".

Anthony Metten  5:28  
Yeah, you know, I actually grabbed the URL, your next life coach... you know, in conversations about my next life, "I want to do this", right.

We all have great plans for our next life. But you know, we're here now, why don't we live that now?

Andrew Hryniewicz  5:45  
Yeah, that's perfect.

So that comes into question number three. So what's the number one insight you would share with people to help them right now?

Anthony Metten  5:59  
You know, I probably would grab the three ending questions that I have in my TED Talk. And that is, you know, to ask yourself: Is who you are, who you really are? You know, is it your life that you're living? Or are you doing the job that you want to be doing?

Are you living where you want to be living? Are you involved in the hobbies you want to be involved in? You know, is who you are, who you really believe you are?

Next question is: Are the expectations you're fulfilling in life yours? Or someone else's? I mean, whose vision is it?

And thirdly: Are you doing what makes you happy every day? And are able to do even the difficult things without much effort? Or do you struggle to fulfill the basic requirements of the expectations put on you?

If you answer those three questions, and give them some time and space to really consider the answers, I think you may be amazed at what you uncover.

Again, it's simple stuff. But that's the beauty of it.

Andrew Hryniewicz  7:05  
Okay, great. So question number four, what concept, book, program, talk, or experiences had the greatest impact on your development? What jumps out at you?

Anthony Metten  7:20  
By far, I was hiring my first executive coach, because I wanted a promotion that I was working on, but couldn't get.

And so, I strategized that if I hired an executive coach, because I was at a level where my company wouldn't do that for somebody like me.

So I hired my own executive coach before it was a thing. And what we quickly discovered was that the reason I wasn't getting my promotion had nothing to do with my job performance.

It was because I was still that little boy, behaving the way my family expected me to be to behave, and working hard to please everyone around me. And I'm sure you can see in the corporate world that doesn't fly.

And so having that peeling of the onion... the layers and understanding why I behaved and acted the way I did on a daily basis. That was that was the turning point in my life.

Andrew Hryniewicz  8:12  
That actually reminds me, a tremendous number of my clients are executive women, which was initially very strange to me, because I'm neither.

But what I realized over time, is that a lot of them had a trauma history, which was rearing its head at work, and in life. And that's why they were coming to see me. It was very unconscious, because I have a trauma history that I've done a lot of work on.

So that definitely, we carry these things with us. And if they're not resolved, you know, they continue to be a problem.

Anthony Metten  8:54  
And that's a perfect example of, you know, you come to a coach to accomplish something. And really the work that needs to be done is at a different level. But you accomplish that thing you set out to accomplish by working on that other stuff.

But it doesn't just fix that problem. It allows you to understand so many different aspects of things you haven't even come across yet.

Andrew Hryniewicz  9:19  
Right. So question number five, is there a free resource you'd like to share with the audience to help them out today?

Anthony Metten  9:26  
Well, surely they can go to my website, They can find me on LinkedIn. And on both those sites, you know, I have my email address and phone number.

And you know what, I offer anybody who's interested a 30 minute phone call, zoom call, to just talk and see what comes out of it.

And again, there's no expectations of follow ups. Again, it's just that opportunity to be in a safe place where you can just be yourself for a moment and take a breath.

Andrew Hryniewicz  10:02  
Okay, great. So that'll be in the show notes.

And the last question Anthony, what should I have asked you that I didn't?

Anthony Metten  10:15  
Well, I would say, you know, the word individuation is something, hardly any of us have ever heard of... if you saw the word, you couldn't pronounce it.

And yet, it's something that occurs in all of our lives, potentially multiple times. And for simplicity sake, I like to compare it to adult puberty.

In other words, as kids, no matter your family environment and your upbringing, that around the age of 13, something is gonna happen. Your body's gonna change, your outlook on life, you know, you hear these stories about things that are gonna happen.

But as adults, we never know that, there's such a thing about individuation that we're going to go through. And when we're going through it, if we've never heard of it, we feel like our life is falling apart, and that somehow we're to blame.

And the reality is that, this is just a natural process of... almost like a reptile shedding its skin so it can grow and evolve. Individuation is how we as adults grow and evolve.

And knowing that it's a natural process of life, I think it allows you to go from kind of that white knuckle passenger mentality, to a little more in control and understanding that, you know, this is going to work out for the better.

Andrew Hryniewicz  11:31  
And so, is individuation from your standpoint, maybe the positive side or what's actually behind what we describe as a midlife crisis, that gets sort of derailed into sports cars and that sort of activity.

Anthony Metten  11:51  
If you dig into the whole idea of individuation, the idea that, you know, midlife crisis is a form of individuation, and those two are somehow connected. And as a society, you know, we've kind of built those two together. Yes, absolutely.

Because for many of us, we don't go through our first phase of individuation till our 40s and 50s, which again coincides perfectly with the midlife crisis.

Andrew Hryniewicz  12:17  
Okay, great.

Well, that's been a great conversation. Anthony, thanks so much for your time.

Anthony Metten  12:24  
Thank you for having me, Andrew.

Narrator  12:26  
Thanks for listening to the Destiny Awakening Interviews. If you have a friend who would benefit please share, and subscribe to the show on iTunes and leave a review. We really appreciate it. And remember, always use your power for good

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