Do you worry about your children's behaviour? Do you struggle with conflict and tension at home that affects your family and work? Are you (or your partner) reacting in ways you don't like?
Jacqui Sansom is a parenting mentor, child care lawyer, and trustee for the Institute for the recovery of childhood trauma. Jacqui is passionate about helping parents develop a loving and strong family bond that last a lifetime, and helps everyone in the family thrive and grow.
In this episode, Jacqui shares the importance of vulnerability and self-awareness to stop us repeating the destructive (or maladaptive) patterns we unconsciously learned as children. And to create new and better reactions and connections with our partners and children today.
The secret is to create a loving, strong and stable family and home environment. Combining her therapeutic training and 20 years as a family and child care lawyer, Jacqui has developed her Powerful Parent Programme to do just that...
Check out these episode highlights:
02:46 – Jacqui’s ideal client: “Parents who are struggling to balance the expectations on them as parents with the demands of a career and a busy family life…”
03:16 – Her client's biggest challenge: “Understanding the concept of armour and judgement… face all of those fears that we expect from the people around us when we ask for help…”
05:40 – Jacqui’s #1 insight to help you: "that everything we run from is everything that we run to because our only point of reference, in parenting, is our own childhood experiences...."
06:41 – What concept, book, program or talk impacted you the most: "The Power Of Vulnerability by Brenee Brown
08:15 – Jacqui’s valuable free resource: get her free “Name It Tame It Emotional Mastery Guide”: [LINK]
9:20 – Jacqui’s last thoughts: "Because as human beings, the most important factor in our survival is to feel safe. And when we don't feel safe, we experience that as trauma..."
(Note, this was transcribed using a transcription software and may not reflect the exact words used in the podcast)
Andrew Hryniewicz 0:03
So hello everyone and a very warm welcome to another edition of the destiny insurrection interviews. I'm Andrew Wayfinder Hryniewicz. And today I'm joined by Jacqui Sansom, parenting mentor, child care lawyer, and a trustee for the Institute for the recovery of childhood trauma. So a very warm welcome to you, Jacqui. And where are you hanging out today?
Jacqui Sansom 0:34
Thank you. Yeah, I'm now I'm in the UK down in the garden of England. It's called Kent.
Andrew Hryniewicz 0:42
Okay, well, great. So Jacqui is the founder of Powerless2PowerfulParenting.com. And if you follow her around the internet, as I have, you'll discover that Jackie is passionate about helping parents build loving and strong families so their children go out into the world with a solid foundation. They're able to approach life with confidence, and feel safe enough to talk to you about anything.
But Jacqui is more than just passionate. She has years of therapeutic training in different modalities such as neuro linguistic programming, EFT, matrix, reimprinting, and clinical hypnotherapy. And more than 20 years legal experience working as a family and childcare lawyer.
Jacqui helps parents with what she calls powerful parenting. This is where you're able to navigate that very fine line between punishment and permission. So you create a strong connection with your child that lasts for life. And that helps both of you thrive and grow in our increasingly stressful and challenging times. And I think especially now with people having to be at home with their kids, they're under a tremendous amount of pressure.
So Jacqui works with parents and families in one to one sessions in her powerful parenting program. And she's creating a membership community for parents to be supported and stay connected on their parenting journey together. And judging from the detailed glowing and grateful testimonials, Jackie has a lot of wisdom to share with us.
So thank you, Jacqui, for your time today. And our title is "How to balance the parenting puzzle with your professional life". And Jacqui is going to show us exactly how to do this in six questions. So Your time starts now. The first question, Who is your ideal client? And what is the transformation you help them achieve?
Jacqui Sansom 2:46
Okay, under no pressure then. So I work with parents who are struggling to balance the expectations imposed on them as parents with demands of a career and a busy family life. I help them to understand how to get the best out of both worlds. And what's been stopping them from achieving that balance up until now.
Andrew Hryniewicz 3:07 Okay, great. So we're just over 35 seconds. Question number two, what's the biggest challenge they're facing?
Jacqui Sansom 3:16
I think for me is understanding the concept of armor and judgment. Because stepping outside of judgment, we will fear we will face all of those fears that we expect from the people around us when we ask for help. And that can be hard, if not excruciating when we're really struggling, because that's when we feel most vulnerable, Andrew, and that's when we're the hardest on ourselves.
Andrew Hryniewicz 3:42
Jacqui Sansom 3:43
Not as no one's harder on ourselves than we are on ourselves. We continually about what others may think feel about us and our alleged failures. Mm hmm. Sadly, that's just the way we operate as human beings.
Andrew Hryniewicz 3:58
Yeah. And I think as you're saying that the vulnerability of feeling like you're struggling as a parent, and alone in that struggle, I'm guessing really, really makes things worse.
Jacqui Sansom 4:09
Oh, it does. And, you know, the fear of judgment is drilled into us from the moment we're born. And it's drilled into us in different ways in our environment, and from the people that we live in. And they've all had the best of intentions when they're doing that. But they actually celebrate us when we're winning. Tell us to dismiss or negate what we're feeling when we're not succeeding with life, which can be debilitating.
Andrew Hryniewicz 4:41
Okay, so we're just over two minutes. Question number three. What's the number one insight you would share with parents to help them right now?
Jacqui Sansom 4:50
that everything we run from is everything that we run to because our only point of reference in parenting, our own childhood experiences. And by default, those experiences whether they're good or bad, are the gauge by which we judge our own behavior,
And we set our agendas as parents and people, and we all have agendas, when we show up, it doesn't matter where we're showing up the origins of those agendas, most of the time, actually start with us. They start with by meeting the demands, and the needs of everyone else around us.
And as human beings, we're wired to fight something, which leaves us feeling under threat. And this creates a balance a battle in a story, where we assert ourselves and to take control. And when we're doing that we just don't show up very well. We show up with maladaptive behaviors that we've accrued over the years to help us survive those situations when we don't feel that we're succeeding. And helps us to survive those situations.
Andrew Hryniewicz 5:57
Yeah, I think where I resonate with that is, I remember at times where, you know, with horror, I hear things coming out of my mouth that I heard my parents saying, as a little kid, and at the time, I can almost remember saying, I'm never gonna say this to anybody. Absolutely. There it is coming out. Okay. No,
Jacqui Sansom 6:21
yeah, absolutely. So the perfectionist parents will set the bar high for their child, because they will want to stop their child ever feeling like a failure. It was natural to suffer the same battles that they suffered. Yeah, the children is a different person. Okay, so
Andrew Hryniewicz 6:41
we're just over four minutes. Question number four, what concept or book or program or talk has been the most impactful for your own learning?
Jacqui Sansom 6:52
I think and it's not available as a hardback. It's only available on Audible, but it's the Power of Vulnerability by Brenee Brown, she's absolutely phenomenal in helping people to understand how shame is the foundation of judgment, and how that shapes who we are, and what we become, and how shame drives our behaviors, how the fear of shame shot stops showing up in a powerful way. And really, how shame is very different for men, experienced very differently for men and women.
Andrew Hryniewicz 7:24
Okay, and could that explain some of the maybe the tensions between parents as well as you know, when they're parenting with different different styles and different expectations, different reactions?
Jacqui Sansom 7:38
Absolutely. And it is, it is the home and the foundation of parenting because it is a driven the child.
Andrew Hryniewicz 7:49
Okay, so we're just over five minutes. Question number five, what free resource would you like to share with our audience that would help parents?
Jacqui Sansom 8:02
Okay, so I have an exercise is called the Name It Tame It Emotional Mastery Guide. And it's a gift, which helps us to really drill down and identify what's going on for us when we're experiencing that moment where we realize I didn't really want to do that. I didn't want my parents jumping out of my mouth. It's for when we're experiencing stress, and we're not, we're overwhelmed. And we're not showing up really well. And our behavioral responses are not how we'd want people to see this. Okay. And what's the URL for that? I can pop you the bitly link down to add to the bottom of this when we finished.
Andrew Hryniewicz 8:57
Okay. Then we'll we'll add it into the show notes.
Jacqui Sansom 8:59
Yeah, yeah, I can give you all the links to actually contact me and everything.
Andrew Hryniewicz 9:04
Yeah. Okay, great. And just over six and a half minutes. So you've got about a minute and a half for your last question. What should I ask you that I didn't?
Jacqui Sansom 9:15
And I think it's how do we get past and manage all those agendas, and make those changes in our environments and families. And I would say that's not a straightforward one fix for all because no two people will ever have the same experiences when they're participating in the same event.
Because as human beings, the most important factor in our survival is to feel safe. And when we don't feel safe, we do experience that as trauma. And trauma are not always the big things. They can be just the little thing like falling off the bike, the first ever time because you've got nothing to measure it against. And in that moment as a three year old, four year old, you genuinely believe you're dying.
So that trauma when it hits you gets embedded into your body and your mind. And every time we experience that not feeling safe again, in a similar situation, similar flavors, all of those responses show up again.
And it's about managing those and noticing when they're there. So the emotional mastery guide actually gets us to slow everything down to acknowledge what's happening for us. And then we follow that back. And once you've developed that, for it's so easy.
Andrew Hryniewicz 10:30
Okay, I'm actually there reminds me of one of my sort of mentors is Gabor Mate. And he says, you know, a lot of people say, Well, I wasn't traumatized. And one of the ways he gets them to question that is he asks them, do you remember as a child anytime when you were scared or upset? And who did you talk to about it? And he says the vast majority of people say nobody. Yeah. And he says, Well, you know, that's evidence of trauma in the sense that you didn't have anyone safe or available to help you hold that experience.
Jacqui Sansom 11:15
Yeah, I've not actually read any of his work. I am aware of him. I've not actually read any of his work, but I will say it's also by you know, that person again feeding back into the earlier comments I made about them dismissing a negative feeling or trying to make it better with the best of intentions you know, come on, man, Johnny Get up, you know, it's only a little grace. Let's give it a magic kisses make it all better.
Rather than just sitting with that child and saying, cool, I really heard that. I did. That really hurt. Why did that really hurt? And exploring that with that child says that the child understands both negative and positive emotions. And then the negative emotions don't get suppressed and we don't you know, they're not express them, which follows on to Gabor Mate.
Andrew Hryniewicz 12:08
Mm hmm. Okay, great. So nobody's perfect. Jackie, thank you so much for your time.
Jacqui Sansom 12:14
Thank you, Andrew.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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WHAT WE'RE ABOUT
For executives, professionals, leaders seeking careers and lives of fulfilment, purpose and impact.
Each week you get a short (7-9 min) chat with an expert in peak performance, optimal health, inner growth and real purpose.
The interviews are designed to help you do meaningful work, feel vital and alive again, and be respected and rewarded for your vision and values.
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'Adaptability Hacking' Dr Yishai, Mar 24
'Beyond Imposter Syndrome' Paul Larsen, Mar 31
'Conscious Leadership' Sophie McLen, April 7
'The Crucible' Jan Rutherford, April 14
Andrew Wayfinder is on a mission to make everyone's career and life more fulfilling, rewarding and meaningful in our changing, and challenging world.
Since 2011, he has used his unique background (architect, psycho-therapist, shamanic healer) to help 175+ executives and leaders (in corporate, creative, academic and scientific settings) create lives and careers they love.
Author of Free your Soul, founder of Destiny Awakening and the Wayfinder Path, Andrew has spoken at MindValley U, been on BBC Radio and interviewed in OmYoga Magazine.
Andrew lives in London, UK (where he enjoys cooking, cycling, art museums and galleries) and he works with clients in the US, Europe, UK and Asia.